The Hopeless Romantic!

 This is precisely how I would like to be known.Hopeless Romantic,Pathetically Romantic.How else could I have been,if not lost and drowned in this majestic feeling.

This didn't start with Rumi.It started with woes, rigours of the regimen.The everyday curse of reminding oneself that the life bestowed isn't real and there is indeed something else,somewhere else. The seeker in me ,hence,never slept.

It's a conscious choice to be in this constant state of bliss independent of any other being.I never needed any human fixture for my adoration.A belief surrounds me,a faith fulfills me.

No.You won't understand.The comprehension is beyond..eons beyond your vague and coarse grasp of life.

Perhaps I could have poured some more but for whom..instead I choose to revel in my hopelessness,in my being shoved into constant drudgery of longing,loving and romance you say is all laughter,You are mistaken,sadly.

Holding on to this thin thread of vulnerabilities,I still wish that this hold never breaks. May I get to live many lives in this one life in order to find and hold onto that 'one' life!💖

The Wife

The wife.

Its high time.Better late than never.
Mother is getting older.You wont stay young till eternity.These are the times to enjoy.
Reasons enough to get married.Valid or not was still not in consideration.

Marriage,its a hot cup of tea,served with utmost care,love,blah blah.

In the above sentence,the only word that struck me was 'served'!

who served whom.most of the time,the wife served the husband.why? Because thats how it has been,thats what my mother did,thats how it should be,thats how..........the reasons carry on..☺

A wife precisely means a servant who wont be paid.She would be assigned chores and bear kids..(this bearing kid business has more to do with sex rather than the cherub).She has to smile constantly, and wear everything that turns him on..right from the smile to the right kinda ug's!!
There is no 'Her world'.She has to fit in or rather squeeze herself into His world..He wouldnt bother to resize 'His world' in order to allow another soul but the darned one will push herself ..well she has to..Damn!!she is married.

It was not meant to be so menacing but it turned out to be.There are numerous occasions when she burns her existence but goes unnoticed only to be burnt some more,...some other day.Even after giving all..she goes hungry for love..true love.The moment she feels it..even for a minute moment..she choses to lay aside all her fears.She wraps herself in fancied comfort and moves on...

The wife,is a human foremost.She has a heart that weeps while the mouth twitches into a smile.Her person cribs to be wanted and respected as much.But,only some.Only some go that deep.Only some gravitate into the skin of the woman and feel the scratches,the cuts ,the bruises,the wounds,the humilations in the soul.

Marriage is indeed a hot cup of tea but not served by one to another..its done in a kitchen,together,for each other!!All life:)

Dil Ki Girah Khol Do....

After fazr prayers.i had this yearning to go out into the freshness..better still why not the drive to purchase milk..(the multitasker in me appreciated my innate quality to connect things).It was pre dawn, 4:30am.i turned on the ignition and drove on..Community gates were closed..the half sleepy guard let my car out.. roads outside witnessed precious solitude and the winds were serene..in the 24 long hours of summer,these were the soothing ones that would raise the comfort levels..the radio belted out forgotten numbers from the past..the calm emptiness of the busy road...the breeze serenading in the environs like some danseuse.Still oblivious to the number from the radio i found myself humming 'wonderful tonight' by Eric Clapton..
On the way back..another number from the radio simply rummaged my soul..Dil ki Girah khol Do ..a song which had been a favourite even in childhood ( days when hindi and urdu were same).Emphatically,i reduced the speed..the mesmerizing texture of Lata Mangeshkars rendition, the deep tenor of Manna Dey and the romantic fervour of the song altogether propelled my lost being to a different realm...i dont remember when was it last that i relished such favourite numbers from the glorious era.I reminisced, Nargis swaying alongwith the heartthrob Feroz Khan with an unflinching faith in love..It was all 'NOW OR NEVER'..the lovers do not want to skip the preciousness of their moments together..hum tum na hum tum rahe ab..kuch aur hi ho gye ab..the souls entangle..with every physical movement..the distances vanish..na hum raah pooche kisi se..na tum apni manzil batao..Let the moments of love not be tarnished, let it seek solitude..I wasnt having a face to look upto but the song was telling..the effect was telling..my passion didnt seek an external being to affirm my faith in love.Lyrical progression..Kal humse poochega koi..kya ho gya tha tumhe kal..mudkar nahi dekhte hum..dil ne kaha chala chal..jo door peechey kahi reh gaye..ab unhe mat bulao.The vulnerability of moments clearly visible..Lovers pining to be there in that moment..The strength to take upon the ordeals,with love, lending its power to be victorious..and not to recall those who were left behind.I sensed the grains of time speedily slipping  through the longing engraved in the song.The ache to drown in this frenzy..
..Raring to go and wanting to hold.what strength what enormity..reckless and yet composed.The tenacity to surpass all worldly norms and reach the zenith.
Not that there was a yearning for any physical presence nor even for a face to adore..my multitasker inside didnt look for any connections this time..simply rode high on the waves of enticing lyrics and music.To celebrate the souls carved to live forlorn lives but come together maybe just once in a lifetime to forget all else but..Love...How heavenly..
..The song had ended but it left me smiling..filled me with an undying faith..i came out of the car, .the wind brushed my hair,felt a drop of water on my cold skin .Was it an affirmation from heavens above or a tear that trickled  in vain?..Only time would tell..

The Best and The Worst: Divinely Condemned!!!

The Best and The Worst: Divinely Condemned!!!: Was roaming around, snooping over everything that appeared (even faintly)beautiful and engrossing but ahem!didnt feel like touching any of...

Divinely Condemned!!!

Was roaming around, snooping over everything that appeared (even faintly)beautiful and engrossing but ahem!didnt feel like touching any of those..and after fucking up all the search engines..google n the likes,books,mags,blogs,eyes,nose,ears,I reminisced of my 'inside', my heart.Found it there! damn! looked for u everywhere n u r tucked here,deep in the socket,sitting pretty in the closet..Jeering back at me.OHH!!Its been so many years and the twinkle is as new as....

 Let me help u in comprehending this..ok! lets call him Jay..so now to.. who was Jay?He was  a dream come true,simply oblivious to all the attention his being used to generate.Calm n subtle like some divine existence.Lengths of time wasnt his cup of tea rather moments..Yes, it was moments that he was living in.Sometimes,he made me feel sick, giddy,nauseating and most of the times reigned my existence.Those were his ways..Jays Ways!!Slightest of his mention brought the 'sheen' on my face,the gleam in my eyes.Not even in a jiffy,i would loose track of him.My fave pasttime was to imagine our forthcoming days.About 'us'being together for all the 'days' tht were yet to happen.Well...i repeat, moments,in case of My Jay, it had to be moments.

And then one warm noon, i was tired not only physically but of the prying eyes,the strange expressions suggesting of something falling apart.The usually demure faces bore sudden,unacceptable grimness.NO! is this true!it cant be..How can it be?and why on earth ME? I am a pious ,devout soul.Forget sins,i doubt if Almighty could ever book me for some meagre sacrilege.And this was such a massive punishment...but damn it,Why??

I could not gauge and neither could the doctors.Jay,my son after living a bit more than half his age in my womb left me helpless,clueless...

A small journey..in the words of the doctor..from 'a tiny something' to a 'foetus' to my 'baby' Mercifully, they never wrote 'baby is dead', rather chose medical terms to describe the end of 'life' inside me.

The aftermaths were even more punitive.The nectar meant to satiate his thirst, curb his hunger was dribbling away..effortlessly..The last test conducted on the 'specimen collected after the operation', was ample proof that my Jay was perfect.He wasnt cancerous or for that matter anything that could have shunned his right to live.But then whatever it was..could only snatch his life and not his essence which is still intact n safely tucked in side the socket..in my hearts closet!!!